


When You Leave I Cry on the Inside

by cobblestaubrey



Series: figure my heart out [7]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Break Up, F/F, is this too spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26039449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: "Jackie and Jan were sprung into their spring semesters, and things seemed good, great even.Over time, though, Jackie’s thoughts of her own future began to surround her, which hadn’t been bad - Jackie was used to that. However, it no longer felt like Jackie was holding only her own future in her hands. Soon, after Jan had sacrificed studying, parties, and even an opportunity to meet and train with some Off, Off Broadway personnel over one of her spring breaks, Jackie felt the weight of Jan's future in her hands, as well."
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: figure my heart out [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792651
Comments: 10
Kudos: 23





	When You Leave I Cry on the Inside

**Author's Note:**

> This is shorter than I thought it'd be, but I think I like it. I changed up how I wrote this - I wrote the dialogue first, then the descriptions. I felt like it really made the dialogue flow, when I wrote it all together. 
> 
> This hurts, but I always knew it was leading up to this. I hope you all enjoy this, I really put a lot into this LOL 
> 
> Uh it's sad, though. I hope no one cries but I think that would be a compliment if they did.

“No.” 

Jan’s lip quivered. She shook her head, slowly at first, her eyes wide and pleading. 

Jackie didn’t raise an eyebrow, or quirk her head. She only looked as though she had seen a ghost.

“I- I didn’t say anything.”

“Then don’t, Jackie. Don’t say anything.”

Jackie let out a heavy sigh, her eyes boring their way through Jan’s. 

“Jan...” she whispered her girlfriend’s name, and the condescending tone lit a fire within Jan.

“I know that look. Don’t give me that look,” she warned, raising an eyebrow at her girlfriend.

“Jan.”

“We’re fine. We are _fine_ ," Jan insisted, balling her hands into loose fists, "You can’t stay the weekend, and make love to me, and pretend everything is fucking fine, and then break up with me before you leave!”

Jackie had in fact been in Jan’s dorm and with Jan almost the entire weekend. This had been the first time this had happened in months. Their schedules rarely aligned for them to be able to see each other for consecutive days, but the second weekend of April had been a Godsend, and Jan had it marked in her calendar since the beginning of March.

After their initial fight in November, the two began the long road of recovery, which really was only around two weeks. Thanksgiving break had given them the time to continue talking through what had gone wrong, and how to fix their lack of communication.

Their first semester came and went like a flash, and running around during finals had left them exhausted and in need of a break. 

They spent Christmas apart, but New Year’s Eve together. The party that was held was _fine_. Almost everyone had come back for Winter break besides Crystal and Gigi, who were _not_ going to spend money on plane tickets, only because their bank accounts and future student debt advised otherwise. Heidi had brought her boyfriend, who at first was clearly uncomfortable being the only guy there, but quickly settled in. Jackie, surprisingly, had enjoyed his company and his plethora of geeky references. “You can keep him,” she had whispered to Heidi halfway through the night, and Heidi beamed at the approval.

Nicky had decided to come back (“rich” Gigi had coughed through Jackie’s phone right before midnight), and Rock spent half the night avoiding her, and half of the night cuddled up at her side. Jackie wanted to be happy for them, but she knew Rock was only going to be hurt again when Nicky went back to France. 

Aiden and Brita were there, but they clearly were avoiding each other as well. They wouldn’t speak to each other, only next to each other. 

Jackie could feel the tension in the room, and it built up through the night, especially as everyone geared up for the ball to drop. 

When it had, Nicky had pulled Rock in for a searing kiss, and Jackie had little time to react to that before Jan had grabbed the collar of Jackie’s shirt and kissed the living daylights out of her. 

When Jan had pulled away, she told Jackie, “you spend the year how you spent New Year’s”, and that she was more than delighted to be spending that night in Jackie’s arms. 

Jackie beamed, pulling Jan in for another kiss.

The next morning, Brita told Jan that Aiden had broken up with her a few nights before, and Rock sat crying on Jackie’s bed after Nicky had left with a kiss and no promises. Jackie whispered her own promises into Rock’s ears, telling her that their monthly discord calls would become weekly, and she would always be there for the shorter girl.

So, the after party was the not-fine part. 

After that, Jackie and Jan were sprung into their spring semesters, and things seemed good, great even. 

Over time, though, Jackie’s thoughts of her own future began to surround her, which hadn’t been bad - Jackie was used to that. However, it no longer felt like Jackie was holding only her own future in her hands. Soon, after Jan had sacrificed studying, parties, and even an opportunity to meet and train with some Off, Off Broadway personnel over one of her spring breaks, Jackie felt the weight of Jan's future in her hands, as well.

Jackie told herself that Jan wouldn’t do these things if it was going to hurt her future, but Jackie also knew that Jan wasn’t as prone as Jackie was to look towards the future with everything she did. 

This led to countless nights of Jackie reiterating to herself what she had told Jan months before - this wasn’t going to work if Jackie didn’t fight for them, and especially wouldn’t work if Jackie was fighting Jan, too.

Jackie wasn’t fighting Jan, though. Jackie was fighting herself, as well as the thoughts that ran ramped in her head, and she wasn’t even _talking_ to Jan about any of it. Instead, it simmered quietly underneath the surface, bubbling up into Jackie’s throat, choking her, but never allowing her to tell Jan what was on her mind.

Which led the two to this weekend. On Friday, Jackie had arrived late after completing her homework. Lemon was spending her weekend with Mark, her boyfriend, who Jackie had come to tolerate. He reminded her of Gigi in a way, and he was a good conversationalist. He felt more like home than most of the people Jackie had met so far, especially from Jan’s group of friends.

On Saturday, Jan had dragged Jackie across the city they had spent the last months exploring. Jackie never minded going out with Jan. She would rather stay home alone in most scenarios, but seeing Jan’s excitement for the city she had been dreaming about since she was a child never really wore off. They kissed each other wherever they wanted to, held hands down the sidewalk, and were just clearly in love, all over the city.

On Sunday, they got up at a lazy eleven in the morning. Jackie was awake by ten, but she closed her eyes, cuddled back into her girlfriend, and fell asleep one more. When they finally did get out of bed, they slowly got dressed to make their way to the dining hall. Jan got a huge stack of waffles, knowing she’d only eat one or two max. Jackie had an omelet, but couldn’t resist stealing a waffle off of Jan’s ginormous plate, anyway. 

Jackie’s heart felt so full. She wanted to give Jan and herself an amazing weekend, and she thought she succeeded. 

One last weekend.

That brought them to Jan’s dorm, Sunday night, right before Jackie was set to leave. With one last kiss, Jackie had stood up to walk towards the door, but stopped in her tracks. She didn't turn around immediately, and Jan could see her shoulders tense, and internal war going on within her girlfriend. Jackie turned her head first, before forcing her whole body to be parallel to Jan. She stood there for a minute, not saying anything, but with a look in her eye that Jan had never seen. Her eyes were full of something - guilt, regret, pain - and Jan knew this wasn’t going to end well for either of them.

After Jan's initial defense, Jackie swallowed, hard. “Please let me talk.” Jackie sounded on the verge of tears, without having said much at all.

Jan tilted her head. “What is there to talk about?” Her voice was calm, scarily so, and Jackie’s fingers flexed involuntarily. 

“We’re nineteen, Jan. You are the only love I’ve ever known, and I’m the only love you’ve ever had,” the brunette started, and Jan had all the confirmation she needed to know where Jackie was going with this. 

“Okay? So we got it right on our first try! So what-”

“What if one day you wake up and realize there’s so much more out there?” Jackie interrupted, pacing around the small room. “And you just spent your whole college career wasting time on me-”

“I’m not 'wasting' anything!”

“-When you _could’ve_ been out, meeting people, meeting someone who makes you feel way more than I’ve ever made you feel!” 

Jan was angry.

Jackie had definitely, over time, gotten better at expressing how she felt, but this - this was _planned_. 

“You’ve really thought this through, huh?”

Jackie blinked. “That’s sort of what I do.” 

Jan lowered her eyebrows, watching Jackie fidget under the blonde’s gaze. “You- you spent _all_ weekend with me! Did you even want to be here?”  
  
“What?” Jackie looked to the side, her eyebrows furrowed, looking absolutely befuddled, before looking back at Jan. “I- Yes? Of course I did, Jan! 

“Then why are you doing this?” Jan asked, heartbroken. She was pleading with Jackie, pleading with her to stop whatever she was doing. 

“Because!” Jackie threw her hands up. “You’re missing out on so much because of me.”

Jan wanted to take a mental step back, she _wanted_ to think about what she was going to say before she said it, but god damn was Jackie making this hard. “It’s not ‘missing out’ when I’d rather spend time with you than go to another party-“

Jackie had been pacing a bit again, but turned towards Jan suddenly at that. “Or another trip?” Jackie asked, pointedly. “Don’t think I forgot about that.”

Jan rolled her eyes, finally standing up from the bed. “I _chose_ to not go! I just wanted to spend actual time with you before things got crazy with finals.”

“You putting me before your future is not what I want.”

“It was a stupid trip, Jackie!” Jan’s voice got higher, throwing her hands forward.

“How long until it becomes a ‘stupid’ internship, or a ‘stupid’ class, or a ‘stupid’ _diploma_!”

Jan’s jaw dropped for a moment, before she began to shake her head. “Are you serious? I’m a fucking adult,” Jackie winced at Jan’s sharp tone and profanity, refusing to meet her eye, now. “You think I’d give up my _diploma_ for you?” 

Jackie hated the way that made her feel, because suddenly she had never felt more in the wrong.

She kept going, though.

“I just think you need more time to explore, I don’t know! If we fall back together, then that’d be great, but right now - I want you to be free.”

“You think this is ‘setting me free’?” Jan asked incredulously. She could feel the anger pump through her heart, the pain that was hammering at her heart fueling her. “Like I’m not gonna spend the next few weeks sobbing in my room?” 

Jackie paused at the admission, her eyes softening, and the look made it hard for Jan to breathe. “I just want what’s best for you.”

Jan’s eyes snapped to Jackie’s, forcing the brunette to meet her gaze. “Why can’t you see that _you_ are what’s best for me?”

Jackie shrugged helplessly, her eyes wide, darting around Jan’s face. “We’re so young-“

“Crystal and Gigi have been dating since _freshman year_ and they're fine!” Jan pointed out, hating the way that Jackie still shook her head fervently. “They’re _fine_!”

“They _live_ together! They are in a real, adult relationship!”

Jan cocked her head, brows furrowed. “And we’re not?”

Jan could see Jackie stop and think for just a moment, before her words just started tumbling out, like she had thought of this scenario over and over again. “We’ve never lived together, Jan. Maybe- maybe you don’t pick up after yourself or don't do the dishes!” Jan sent her a pointed look. “Or- or you get mad I wake up too early and don’t do enough for you when I’ve had a long day!” She paused, and Jan could see pain flash through her, watching Jackie’s resolve crumble. “What if we graduate and find out a month into living together that we aren’t compatible, not like that?”

Jan’s voice grew softer, but the anger Jackie was making her feel never burned out. “Then we’d compromise, Jackie, like we always have,” her tone became pointed again. “Like the fucking adults we are.”

Jackie nodded, her lips pursed, and brows lowered. It was almost a whisper when she finally spoke again. “Things change.”

Jan didn’t know what to say. She wanted more than anything to walk over, take Jackie’s hand, and make her know how loved she was. There was a border separating them, an entire ocean, but Jackie was _right there_. “Have we?” She asked softly.

“You’re as beautiful as the day I met you.” Jackie spoke almost immediately.

Jan felt the tears begin to fall, finally. “Then why are you doing this?” 

Jackie looked defeated. “I’m doing it for you.” She gestured vaguely towards Jan. “You’re clearly not happy”

That lit Jan’s fuse again so suddenly, Jackie almost winced when the blonde began to speak again, so forcefully, with the same passion she exuded in everything else that she loved. “I _am_ happy with you Jackie. I fucking love you,” her body began to shake, but her voice didn’t. “I fucking _fought_ for you! I am so in love with you, it’s scary. I- I want, I want,” Jan stuttered, looking around the room, seeing the pictures of Jackie on her wall, on her side table, her overnight bag on the floor, the look Jackie was giving her, “I want to spend my life with you! It’s barely been a year and I feel like this is it for me!” 

Jan could see Jackie stumble over Jan’s admission, her eyes widening, darting around Jan’s face, _begging_ for her to take it back, or to say it again, and again, and again. “But how can you be sure?”

“Since I’ve been here I’ve never once thought that there was anyone else I’d rather be with.” Jan said, shrugging her shoulders. 

“You haven’t had the chance-” Jackie started, but Jan wasn’t going to let Jackie continue reiterating that same idea.

“You think there hasn’t been anyone else trying to ask me out, Jackie?” Jackie furrowed her brows, before moving her mouth to speak, nothing coming out. Jan scoffed. “I’m not wearing a ring. I’ve been asked on dates, propositioned at parties, gotten Instagram DMs,” Jackie’s face began to sour. “There has never, _ever_ been a part of me that wished I could say yes.”

Jackie, in true Jackie fashion, ignored every part of that sentence except for the part she didn’t like. “People have been asking you out?” Jan had to roll her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you’d only get paranoid!” Jan gestured to Jackie sharply, before letting her hands drop, hitting her legs with a thump.

“I would not!”

“You’re jealous right now, and I _just_ told you I said ‘no’ every time!”

Jackie crossed her arms, and Jan would’ve found her pout cute, if it wasn’t infuriating. “I’m not jealous.”

Jan shook her head slightly, letting her voice quiet down once more. “You can’t lie to me, Jackie, and I don’t know why you’d want to.” She let the weight of her words sit with the brunette, watching Jackie’s shoulders drop.

“I… I’m sorry.” Jackie let out a deep sigh, closing her eyes and running a hand down her face. 

The air felt tight, but Jan needed to keep going. She didn’t care if Jackie thought she’d be better off alone in New York City, or how long Jackie had been wanting to end things for. Her anger had not dissolved, but transformed into a heavy feeling in her chest, making its way to her throat.

“Do you still love me?” She whispered, looking at the floor behind Jackie.

The question sat in the air only for a moment.

“What?”

That wasn’t an answer, and it saddened Jan, to the point where all she could do was shout again. “You are pushing me away, and- and _fighting_ me! Do you even love me?” Her voice cracked at the end, and she could feel her body fighting to fall apart. 

Jackie’s voice was steady, her gaze piercing into Jan’s eyes, never wavering, never doubting. “I am so in love with you, it _hurts_ ,” Jackie began, lifting her hand up to her upper chest, grasping loosely at the material that sat over her heart. Her eyes were electric, begging Jan to understand. “I fought _myself_ for _weeks_ to decide what to do, because I didn’t want to fucking hurt you, anymore!”

Jan stamped her foot, and it would’ve looked childish were it not for the grimace on her face, flooded with tears, and the way her fists stayed clenched at her side so she wouldn’t reach for Jackie. “ _This_ is fucking hurting me! This isn’t going to help anyone!” 

Jackie stayed silent for a few moments. Jan wanted to break through to Jackie, she wanted to pull Jackie close, shake her, get to agree to _anything_ the blonde had been saying.

“I’m sorry,” was all Jackie managed.

Jan stood there, defeated. “It’s not too late to take it back,” she said weakly.

“It is. You know it is. We can’t just move past this.”

“But-”

“You’ve made a lot of choices for me, Jan, and this is my choice for you,” Jan stood there, watching Jackie throw away all they had worked for. It had been almost a year since she had fallen for Jackie, and it was slipping away before her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You think this isn’t going to make me resent you more? You think this doesn’t make the last year feel like a waste?” Jan threw out, knowing that it wasn’t true regardless. 

Jackie swallowed, her fingers flexing at her sides, and all Jan wanted to do was reach out and take one of them in her own. “I’m not trying to hurt you.” 

Jan let out a shaky breath. “You are breaking my heart.”

Jackie choked back a sob at Jan’s admission. “I’m breaking my own, too.”

“I’m not asking you to do that.” 

Jackie shrugged, looking so utterly defeated, and Jan could feel her heart break again, over and over.

“I have to.”

Those words hung between them, feeling so final that Jan just wanted to scream.

“Fine,” Jan spoke, strongly. Her stare became cold, and Jackie couldn’t see past her eyes, as if there was nothing behind them. “If you leave, this is over.”

Jackie nodded, but she didn’t turn to leave. Instead, she took a step forward, tentatively, looking between Jan’s eyes still.

She continued towards the blonde, waiting for Jan to either more backwards or towards her. Jan refused to move, so Jackie met her all the way, looking down slightly to adjust for their height difference. The brunette lifted her hand up to cup Jan’s cheek, like Jan had done so many times before to Jackie. Jan’s eyes softened, hope pooling in them like the tears that had not fallen.

Jackie leaned in, waiting for Jan, always waiting, and Jan tentatively reached up to kiss her. It was hesitant at first, before Jan let the kiss encompass her. It didn’t go farther than a few open mouth kisses until Jackie pulled away, wiping away Jan’s tears with her thumb as Jackie’s own fell. 

“I love you. And I think I always will,” Jackie started, letting out shaky breaths. “You were my first love. You _are_. But music was yours, and I’m not going to compete with that.”

Jan opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn’t make a sound. Jackie took a deep breath in through her nose, before harshly exhaling. Her breathing was still stuttered as she turned around, making her way towards the door, grabbing her overnight bag that was filled with everything she had brought. Jan wondered why she had never left a toothbrush for herself, or clothes, and wondered how she’d get her things back from Jackie.

Jan could see Jackie pause as she reached the handle, her head twitching, trying to turn, but Jackie’s resolve wouldn’t budge. She opened the door, never looking back. 

When the door closed and Jackie had made her way into the hallway, Jan broke down, knowing Jackie would probably be able to hear her. She didn’t know if she wanted Jackie to know how broken she felt, but either way, nothing was going to stop the sobs that racked through her body.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually went through and re-read this whole thing before posting it, isn't that cool and fun and new? LOL
> 
> So, yeah. This had to happen. They reached a breaking point - especially after seeing everyone else break up. I think Jackie has a good heart, but this is a stupid idea, even if it’s supposed to be self-sacrificing and yadda yadda. Can’t wait to write another full-Jan centric fic, which is coming up next.


End file.
